Some For Me, Some For You

I prepared a nice tenderloin roast for dinner last night. Mom isn't too interested in beef anymore, but I like it, and she'll eat it on occasion, so I'll make it to break the monotony of chicken.

I sliced the beef into bite size pieces so she doesn't have to worry about cutting it. Given that it was a tender cut of meat, she doesn't have to worry about it being too tough either.

As the side dish, I put a couple of spoonfuls of macaroni salad on her plate. I brought it out into the den and we started watching Wheel of Fortune.

A few minutes pass and I hear the sounds of eating, but it isn't mom. I look over and Cat #2 is sitting on the sofa next to her licking the dressing off the elbow macaroni. Mom continues to spear the meat with her fork and watch the cat sharing her food.

Me: Mom, don't let the cat eat off of your plate!

Mom: But she's obviously hungry.

Well, I couldn't argue with that. And I have to appreciate when mother dear actually makes a logical argument.

The cat hops down when she's done and mom puts her plate on the tray in front of her. Everyone was happy.

That is, until I hear the sound of a fork scraping across a plate. Mom has the plate back on her lap and is moving the remainder of the salad into a small heap. Then, without even thinking, she gets a fork full of salad and moves it towards her open mouth. It seemed like slow motion.

Me: [Shouting.] Don't eat that!

Mom: [Jumping and startled.] Why not? [She's perturbed.]

Me: [Furrowing my brow.] Because the cat's been licking on it.

I'm pretty particular when it comes to the cleanliness of pets. I think cats are relatively clean but I always wash my hands after petting them. I generally don't pet dogs unless they are mine and I wash my hands then, too. And when I see people give their pets a lick of their ice cream cone and then return to eating it themselves? I gag and make a mental note never to eat at their house. Ever. From then on, everything they do becomes suspect.

Now don't go telling me that a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth. I wouldn't believe you, and even if I did, I wouldn't care. Pets are not human. For the most part, humans don't lick an asshole just before slobbering on your scoop of vanilla. And if they had, they wouldn't get any of my ice cream.

Okay, so back to the story. Mom looks around and the cat is nowhere to be seen. Of course. Is that the way it always is?

Mom: What are you talking about?

Me: Don't you remember that the cat was just up there eating off your plate?

Of course she doesn't remember and gives me a scowl and shakes her head like I'm crazy.

I get up, take her plate, and go out to the kitchen where I promptly dispose of what's left.
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