Thursday, November 20, 2008

My Appointment With The Doctor

I finally got to the doctor to try and get my depression/anxiety under control. I hoped that things would resolve themselves when I returned from New Orleans since the trip would be over, the election would be over, the economy would have stabilized, and my spike in work load would be completed. But things haven't gotten much better and I'm sick of living with a knot in my stomach and feeling like I want to just curl up in a ball and die.

All in all, I have a great life and by most accounts, mine included, I should be a pretty happy fellow. And that's the problem of living with depression and anxiety. You have those feelings even though you shouldn't.

Sometimes I don't want to write on the blog anymore. My attention here has be sorely lacking. I read about folks on my blog roll losing loved ones, both human and pet, and I can't find the energy to write a comforting comment. I'm in a sucky place and I hope they can forgive my lacking show of support.

Most of my issues are understandable. I am just drained by my living situation. I'm like the energy bank but there are only withdrawals. I don't have anything to fill me up so it is a slow downward slide. Even when I do escape to fill myself back up, I spend most of the time not feeling well because it's the only time my body can shut down for a while.

Not having a partner or love interest to boost my spirits is something that would help although I'm in no position to seriously entertain such a relationship. I need a cheerleader in my life. My bff does an excellent job of this, but she's 3000 miles away. Even though we talk more than once a day and it seems like she lives just down the street, it just isn't the same.

It was my hope that the doctor would wave a magic wand and make it all better. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. He decided that it was better to up my dosage of Paxil every two weeks until the feelings get under control or that we max out on the med and then we could look at something else.

I hate taking pills. I suppose that if the alternative is to continue feeling as I do, a couple pills a day is a small concession.


A Single Man said...

Just wanted to let you know that I care and to offer any support I can from afar.

I too have been at the bottom of the barrel with depression and anxiety in combination. I have been at that place for a very long time and it's awful.

The work that we do caring for loved ones is both the noblest calling and I think one of the most difficult too when they suffer from dementia.

What's helped me the most are:

Getting some exercise
Getting some time away from the house and H
Having a really good cry from time to time
Most importantly, shifting my perception and expectation of H as my partner to that of my "client," my job. Not that I've completed this shift mind you....

I wish that I had a magic wand to help, but I don't. I hope that upping the meds helps you.

Take care,

citygirl said...

I'm so sorry that you're in a bad place right now but I completely understand. I've been up & down over the years and have tried meds, counselling, you name it.

I even do things that you should NOT do when I'm depressed - drinking. I'll drink a couple of glasses of wine on a weekend night knowing full-well that alcohol's a depressant itself. But I feel like it helps me relax and escape my churning mind for a bit.

That said, I never drank much when I lived with my mom because I felt that I had to be fully "ON" and ready for her if she needed me. Talk about was like being an emergency ward nurse 24 hours a day for years on end. It's no wonder you & I (and the many caregivers out there) are burnt out.

Greg said...

Strangely enough, going on holiday this year only made things worse for me - I came back totally unable to re-engage and I've ended up leaving my job 4 months later. I'm fairly perky right now but that's probably because I'm not thinking straight [insert corny joke].

I think the list of ways to tackle it above is a good one. For me it's helped to find common cause in a book that describes exactly how I'm feeling - for me it was Andrew Solomon's "The Noonday Demon", and making meals with friends has been nourishing in all sorts of ways.

One thought that occurs to me - that this is your body telling you that it can't take much more - forcing the issue so that you have to find new arrangements for you and your Mom. In my own experience, I have certainly found that Depression is something to be listened to rather than smothered - an unquiet spirit, if you will. I don't know if that's the case all the time, though.

I have so much respect for you and hope that things get better for you. I wish you better days. Try not to let Winter and Recession drag you down - there is hope for the future and you are a good person.

[Hilarious picture, by the way]

Greg x