Thursday, May 08, 2008

I'm Pretty Sure That's Illegal

Mother dear was in bed again this morning, as every morning for the past couple of weeks, complaining of pain and weakness.

Part of "the cure" is to wait it out and try to get her some orange juice for energy. But when she can't get up out of bed, she can't drink the juice and start taking her morning pills. It's a process that takes about 2 hours to get through.

Me: Do you want me to help you sit up so you can drink your juice?

Mom: Don't cry at my funeral. You don't know how terrible I feel. I just wish I would die. I wish I could just close my eyes, go to sleep, and never wake up.

Me: Well, I can't help you with that.

Mom: [Looking at me seriously.] Maybe you could.


A Single Man said...

Oh my. H and I have had similar conversations and he is very serious also. I know that he wants relief and I understand why. But, of course, I won't help him.

And he has told me not to cry at his funeral (well maybe just a bit) because he feels so bad while alive and to do the dance of the living because life does go on even if he's not here anymore.

It is very strange when through all the nonsense, H will resurface and be his sincere self and explicitly raise topics like this. It doesn't happen that frequently, but when it does, I get a glimpse of how hard this is for him.

All I can do is tell him that I understand why he feels so bad and that I don't blame him for wanting to go already.

And after a few moments of clarity and insight, he's back to his delusional, paranoid self.

For me, it is crueler to see him come and go than to just have him gone. Yet, I want to be compassionate and support him.

The long painful, frustrating, confusing goodbye, indeed.

proudprogressive said...

oh hon, here is a bear hug for you, hang in there, angel

much love - nicki